The way God makes changes, how he creates a theme for us to see over and over, until we finally realize he is trying to speak life into a new area of our lives...it's baffling, and completely beautiful!
I was struggling with insecurity in a friendship. I was completely afraid that the person would be so changed from an experience that they would no longer want me in their life. I KNEW that sounded wrong, but I couldn't figure out where this was coming from. In a flash a couple nights ago, it came to me.
Because it had happened in my past. I had a friend make a similar trip, and there were tears, I will miss yous, letters between us...then "I can't be friends with you anymore, you are a bad influence on my life". I seriously had another young adult tell me this. It had been the first female I had poured myself out to in years... I walked back into not wanting to be around women for several years after that. I still can tend to hold them at arms length.
For Years God has been working on my relationships with women. Too many wounds to try to clean out and heal at once. And then this beautiful young woman came into my life, and I opened up. It's an equal friendship, neither of us needing the other more (My other pattern is to choose people who "need" me so that they won't leave me). It's been hard, but beautiful.
This insecurity was making me afraid to keep opening myself up and being available. But once I realized where it came from, I confessed to her about it. She smiled in the sweet way she does, and told me she had been having the same fear. SHE was afraid I wouldn't want to be her friend anymore. She had her friends leave her too many times for her not to be wounded as well.
And then she told me that one of their exercises last week was to pray through insecurities and fears from their pasts to help them become fully functioning Christians. This was the area she had prayed through for herself. And somehow, God in his beautiful way, allowed me to be a part of it from very far away. God is mysterious, and wonderful, and even when we don't realize what he is up to; Good.