Thursday, February 24, 2011


In the last week or two, I feel like there's a rebirth going on inside of me. The winter was long and hard, and the long frozen bulbs of life and beauty are beginning to come to alive again. I don't even think there's been time for them to come out of the ground and show the changes happening below.

But I see that tiny spark of hope, of community, and I know that all it takes is one good breath to either blow it out, or to fan it to flame. I feel so protective of it, wanting to make sure it doesn't go out again.

I have been so lucky to have musician friends, and often their own songs have really identified a period of time in my life. Gabe's music, filled with wonder, was there as we began our journey together as husband and wife, and had adventures and the awe of God to carry us.  Jess's music was there to comfort as I descended into the dark places of my life to begin to deal with the pool of pain that had been built inside me to protect everyone. But I can't really say that these last few years have had a song.

In so many ways, that was the problem. I left the places that gave my heart songs to sing, and went to the cold reaches of space. Eerily quiet and frozen, I sat, waiting to hear a melody I could pick up. Things that SHOULD have had songs in my life were crushed by grief and depression.

Finally, a lifeline was thrown out, and I grabbed for it. Eucharisto. The practice of communion with God through thanksgiving. I remember this in bits and pieces, but that was before the pool of pain and the vault of memories opened to reveal a life that I had not realized was my own. The recollection of the past allowed me to really begin to see things as they were, not as i wished them to be. But it hurt more than I thought I could bear.

And the thanksgiving stopped. I was angry, hurt, and a million other emotions at everything from that past life, especially God. Until the last week, I hadn't even begun to swim the depths of what that meant.

Now, as I put toes into the water I wonder if I am brave enough to go all the way in. To REALLY practice thankfulness for the little things so that I will learn to give thanks even in the hard things. But even the toes in the water have begun to thaw my heart, and I hear music again. Right now, It's Jer's music, open and honest, but with incredible gratitude toward the Father who Overwhelms us, who Washes over us and holds us in our dark places.

My tears fall, but they aren't angry or full of sorrow anymore. They are tears of Eucharisto, thankful tears to the Father who loves me and IS Good, not matter how I feel.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

What God Does...

The way God makes changes, how he creates a theme for us to see over and over, until we finally realize he is trying to speak life into a new area of our's baffling, and completely beautiful!

I was struggling with insecurity in a friendship. I was completely afraid that the person would be so changed from an experience that they would no longer want me in their life. I KNEW that sounded wrong, but I couldn't figure out where this was coming from. In a flash a couple nights ago, it came to me.

Because it had happened in my past. I had a friend make a similar trip, and there were tears, I will miss yous, letters between us...then "I can't be friends with you anymore, you are a bad influence on my life". I seriously had another young adult tell me this. It had been the first female I had poured myself out to in years... I walked back into not wanting to be around women for several years after that. I still can tend to hold them at arms length.

For Years God has been working on my relationships with women. Too many wounds to try to clean out and heal at once. And then this beautiful young woman came into my life, and I opened up. It's an equal friendship, neither of us needing the other more (My other pattern is to choose people who "need" me so that they won't leave me). It's been hard, but beautiful.

This insecurity was making me afraid to keep opening myself up and being available. But once I realized where it came from, I confessed to her about it. She smiled in the sweet way she does, and told me she had been having the same fear. SHE was afraid I wouldn't want to be her friend anymore. She had her friends leave her too many times for her not to be wounded as well.

And then she told me that one of their exercises last week was to pray through insecurities and fears from their pasts to help them become fully functioning Christians. This was the area she had prayed through for herself. And somehow, God in his beautiful way, allowed me to be a part of it from very far away. God is mysterious, and wonderful, and even when we don't realize what he is up to; Good.