Tuesday, January 25, 2011

What is success in Motherhood?

Some days I look at our life and wonder if I am a terrible Mom.

We tend to eat the same things for breakfast every day.
When we need to run errands or do anything, we are gone most of the morning. LittleFish snacks on Z bars and fruit snacks and bunny crackers while we are out, and frequently skips over lunch all together.
When we do get dinner on, I'm lucky if we get much of it in to him, and then he snacks before bed.
I never feel like I've spent enough time playing with him, although I do try to include him in any special cooking I do.

Motherhood is hard, especially since I really don't feel like I had a good idea of what it should look like. I constantly feel lost and am never sure if I'm doing it well, or terribly. We don't tend to do well with rigid schedules, but I wonder if it would feel more sane if I had a better rhythm not just to the days, but to my weeks.

At the moment, I have a happy kid who has eaten SOMETHING, been read to and snuggled and loved on by both of his parents, and is seemingly well adjusted. For right now, we'll call that success.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Aiming at something

I got a call last night at about 8pm asking if I would lead worship for a small campus of the church Roy works for. I agreed, and set about trying to pull a worship set. I realized it has been at least 5 months since I had to pull together a set, and nearly as long since I've played regularly. I stressed over the details, realizing that my style of worship and playing isn't really what is normal for this church. God laughed at my worries I'm sure, because once I was there I found out this poor little congregation had lost someone this week, and were in exactly the mood for my style.

Something in the message really struck me. The pastor talked about needing to have a goal to aim at. 3% of Americans are well off and successful. 3% of American's plan and write down their goals for the future. Probably not a coincidence that those stats are identical.

It got me wondering about what our goals are as a family. We have a goal to get out of debt. God is hugely blessing that one. Once I made a goal of what we would pay off by the end of the year, side work has been rolling in for both Roy and I. And for the first time in a VERY long time, there's hope of a raise in the future. Things that would make this goal we have WAY more attainable. It's been awesome to see God bless those plans.

But what other plans do we have? Where DO we want to be in 10 years? What do we want our legacy to be? These are things I'll be working on as I finish out clutter clear out in the next months. :)

Thursday, January 20, 2011

That feeling in the pit of your stomach

This is a really hard week for me. There have been tears nearly every day, and that usually also gives me headaches.

My best friend is leaving on a 5 month missions trip with YWAM. I'm totally excited for her and her wonderful husband. They are an amazing couple, and I know that God will enrich their lives and bless them beyond belief with this trip. I also know that anyone who comes into contact with them will be hugely blessed. I'm so ready to hear the amazing stories they will have to share from this adventure.

But for myself and my family, I'm sad. Josh and Kassi have become so much a part of our family. We've spent holidays with their families, we've spent birthdays and vacations together. When I need advise, Kassi and her mom are the first people I think of. Kas and I share so many little adventures in daily life. And my LittleFish adores them. It hurts to let them go, even for a limited time.

So I'm trying to let myself cry my tears and be sad, in remembrance that "My sadness does not harm others". I'm trying to not pretend everything is ok and shove the feelings deeper. I'm trying to not eat the pain away. And little by little, I know that the pain will subside, and though we will continue to miss them dearly, they will be back, and we will video chat with them in the meantime.

I wonder if they could possibly know how much we love them. How much I love them. How much Kassi is a sister of my heart. And loving people well means not being selfish with them. Because they are far too fabulous NOT to share with the world!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Yesterday, LittleFish discovered a book that's been on his shelves for a while. I had originally seen it at Anthropologie, but was unwilling to pay their prices, so I got it off of Amazon. I don't think I ever expected him to like this book so young.

It's called "How to Behave and Why" by Munro Leaf. The book talks about four main things you need to be in order to make good friends and keep them.  You must be Honest, Fair, Strong, and Wise. This darling book was originally printed in the 40s and is by the author of "Ferdinand". There's not a lot of pictures, and they aren't fancy. Mostly they are stick figures. But something about this book has grabbed his attention, and he has been asking us to read it to him. I am SO glad he did!

See, I think I learned something from the book while I read to LittleFish tonight. It wasn't something that I had never heard before, but put into the context of this children's book about teaching little ones how to behave, it really resonated with me.

It was a line about other people having ideas, thoughts, and ways to do things, and that their way can be just as right as yours. It really struck a chord with me, because I know I try to make FishPapa load the dishwasher, do the laundry and clean up just the way I like them done.

But this little kids book just gently reminded me that "I can't always be right no matter who I am" and that I can choose to do things the best of all ways. But that also means I need to watch and take in how others do things. I need to close my mouth (I admittedly talk WAAAAAYYYY too much) and open my ears to hear what others think. I would be a better friend if I can take this to heart. I'll at least try, and read the book to LittleFish as often as he will let me so I will be reminded.